Tales From the Terran Republic

“Ambassador, this is inadvisable,” Toby said to Ambassador Jon Wintersmith as he drove their armored grav limo along the capital streets. “This meeting could easily be held at our embassy.”

“And look like a scared little bitch? Not happening,” Jon said as he reviewed his notes in the back seat. “We don’t even know if it’s a legitimate threat. For all we know Axlea is just rattling our cage.”

“Unlikely, ambassador.”

“True,” Jon said as he patted his sidearm. “Regardless, we must carry on with business as usual. We need to make an appearance every now and then just to show we don’t give a shit. Last thing we want to do is hole up like a bunch of pussies. Besides, this meeting could be quite profitable.”

“It’s popcorn, sir. We are exposing ourselves over popcorn.”

“It’s not popcorn. It's a trade deal with the Xvli. They seem to almost be worth a fuck, but they have the same view of cowards as we do,” Jon said as he scrolled over to a new page, “and I know for a fact that Skippy somehow knows we have a bulls-eye on our backs. We don’t want to look like porkies now do we?” he said with a grin. “Besides, I haven’t met their ambassador yet and this visit to their embassy would be a good opportunity to schmooze a little, pop up some popcorn, maybe build up a little goodwill.”

“Goodwill, sir? Are you feeling-”

THOOOM

The limo rocked from a massive impact that wiped out the shields and blew a hole through the hood of the vehicle. Toby expertly spun the damaged vehicle perpendicular to the line of fire as the limo, belching flames and smoke, lost power and slid to a halt. He grabbed a Juon Harbinger assault rifle from a rack overhead and lept from the vehicle. Jon quickly punched the driver’s partition and a panel fell away revealing an AK-47 and an ammo pouch. He grabbed them and dove from the vehicle just as a second massive impact nearly caved in the armored window next to him.

“It seems that you have an admirer, sir,” Toby said as he clamped a sensor to one of his eyestalks and started scanning rooftops and windows.

“Toby, what is that?” Jon said as he pointed at the Harbinger.

“Is now really the time, sir?”

“I guess not,” Jon laughed as he leaned against the wrecked limo. “See any-”

THOOOM

The entire limo was knocked several inches backward and spun a few degrees from the blow. Jon was thrown away from it and onto his face.

“FUCK!” He yelled as he held the small of his back. “Shit, we have company!” He yelled as humans armed with military blaster rifles started to spill out of two alleyways behind them.

Jon immediately opened fire in controlled bursts hitting several attackers before they could even get out of the alleys. All of the victims immediately fell to the ground screaming and violently convulsing, blood starting to seep from their eyes and ears. Toby spun around moments later as blaster bolts started to be hastily fired in their direction and hit three more with carefully placed shots. Those unfortunate souls joined their comrades violently thrashing around on the pavement.

“RED-TIPS! THEY HAVE FUCKIN-” a warning cry was cut short as another round hit home and another victim started seizing on the ground. The survivors tried to flee in terror and were cut down. Nobody escaped.

THOOOOM

Pieces of the limo flew into the air as another massive impact shook the area.

“Just like old times, eh Toby?” Jon said as he slammed another magazine home and chambered a round.

“Unfortunately. At least they are slower than the bu-”

THOOOOM

The trunk popped open as another round struck the side of the limo directly in front of Jon.

“Did you get eyes on our friend?” Jon asked peeping over the side of the wreck.

“No, sir and for fuck’s sake GET DOWN!” Toby yelled as he snaked the sensor clad eyestalk over the hood.

THOOOOM

The next round hit the hood ripping off Toby’s eyestalk. Toby fell over backwards onto the pavement.

“Shit,” Toby said calmly. “That was our only sensor.”

“Never mind the fucking sensor! Are you ok?” Jon asked as he raised his rifle trying to spot the gunner.

“I’m fine. It wasn’t my shooting eye,” Toby said as he pulled out an auto injector and jabbed it his destroyed eyestalk. A mix of drugs and nano-bots quickly stopped the bleeding and inhibited shock. He looked up at Jon in alarm as he rose above the wreck searching buildings along the line of fire. “Sir!”

***

Morgana Farstan looked at the scene through the scope of the gauss anti-tank rifle she had set up on the roof of a nearby building. She frowned. Those guys she hired were absolutely useless. Best guns in the Federation my ass she thought to herself as she watched their death throes. It was supposed to go smooth. She knocks out the limo then they sweep in behind and wipe them out. “So much for the best laid plans of mice and men,” she chuckled while redirecting her attention to what was left of the vehicle. If nothing else she could just hammer it to pieces but she had to be quick. It wouldn’t be too long before the cops showed up.

At least she managed to hit that little shit of a receptionist.

“Oh, hello there...” she whispered to herself as she saw a little flash of Terran khaki starting to emerge from the rear of the limo.

***

“SIR! GET DOW-”

THOOOM

The round hit the limo in the area around Jon’s right arm blowing it off almost at the shoulder and throwing him down onto the street.

“FUCK!” Jon yelled as he ripped an auto-injector from his jacket pocket, “THAT WAS MY FAPPING HAND YOU FUCKER!”

“Sir, may I take this opportunity to call you one stupid fuck?”

“You may, gunny. Feel free.” Jon said as he fought back a wave of nausea which quickly subsided as the drugs kicked in.

THOOOM

The vehicle slid back another foot from the impact and one of the doors bulged outward between Jon and Toby.

“Any tactical genius would be deeply appreciated, sir.”

“Well, I only have one idea,” Jon said as he took an inhaler out of his pocket.

“Sir, no.” Toby said as he took one look at the stylized skull and shield on the cylinder.

“The sniper wants me. Let’s let them have me,” Jon said as he ripped the cover off of the inhaler with his teeth. “I am going to make a run for that alley over there. Each time they actually hit us it took them around two and a half seconds to line up the shot, more or less, and I’ll be moving.” he said as he grinned shaking the inhaler. “They will track me and try to take a shot. While they are doing that you take that Juon crap you are carrying and hit them first.”

“Sir, you are going to take a hit of berserker, sprint out into the line of fire, and bet your life on me being able to spot and hit them in two and a half seconds?”

THOOOM

That one went clean through both armored windows directly above Jon’s head.

He grinned.

“Yep.”

Toby just gripped his rifle. “Ready, sir.” Toby wracked his brain trying to remember the layouts of all of the buildings and trying to think where he would set up if the roles were reversed. Jon looked back at him and put the inhaler in his mouth.

“We go after the next impact,” Jon said as he triggered the inhaler and breathed deep, his pupils turning into pin-pricks, “OH HELL YEAH!” he screamed.

THOOOM

Jon took off at an insane pace and Toby popped up. Toby saw a flash of radiation and movement through the Harbinger’s enhanced optics and opened fire.

***

Just as Morgana fired she saw that asshole Jon making a run for it. Just like a Terran coward she thought as she tried to quickly move the heavy weapon to line up a shot. He moved into her sights.

“Gotcha,” she hissed but before she could pull the trigger multiple rounds impacted all around her position. She reflexively jerked causing the shot to miss blasting a crater into the pavement behind her target. Jon fell as chunks of concrete tore into his legs and back but before she could line up another shot she recoiled in horror. From every bullet hole a faintly glowing red gel was flowing out and oozing slowly towards her. She dove for cover as more rounds hit uncomfortably close.

It was time to go. Abandoning her weapon, she dove to the ground and using the edge of the building as cover crawled away as the red-tips were zipping harmlessly above her and slamming into the wall behind.

***

Director Axlea walked into the embassy and blew a few sad bubbles as she looked at a new face behind the reception desk.

“May I help you?” The human female asked politely.

“How’s Toby?”

“Toby, ma’am?”

“The kalesh who used to sit there?”

“Oh,” the female said happily, “You mean Gunnery Sergeant Jolknt! Oh he’s fine! He’s on his way back to Terra to get fitted with a new eye.”

“Well that’s a relief,” Axlea said with a relieved bubbly sigh. “Wait. Gunnery sergeant? Shit. Missed that one.” She wagged her head. “Wouldn’t have pegged him for a marine.”

“You would have if you had him as your gunny, trust me,” the woman said with a grin. “He could be pure evil. God help you if your gear wasn’t up to his standard, not the marine standard, his standard.”

“Really, he seems so nice,” Axlea said and then the image of him using a scanner to inspect spotless silverware popped into her head. Dang she thought.

The woman just laughed. “He was tough but he was a great… wait...” She pulled out an old-fashioned notebook and flipped through it. “Eel-like… bot with a globe… shit.” She then promptly clammed up.

“Surprise!” Director Axlea said with a flourish of two of her “feet”. She then looked at the woman expectantly. “Um… any other notes about me in there?”

The woman flipped the page. “Oh! Yes!” She then opened a desk drawer and pulled out a Powerbar Extreme and the same sort of knife that Toby had and sliced it up. Axlea frowned slightly. She didn’t do it right and didn’t tease her before handing them over but she the snapped up the ragged chunks just the same.

“Thanks!” Axlea said happily. “Is the ass… Um, I mean the ambassador available?”

“Let me check,” she said to Axlea. “Col… Um I mean Ambassador, are you up to receiving a visitor?” The woman said as she pressed the intercom.

“Uh… who is it?” A groggy voice answered.

“Me, cockbite.” Axlea said into the intercom before the woman could stop her.

“Yeah, send the bitch in.”

Axlea looked around in surprise when she entered his office. His desk and chair had been replaced by a hospital bed and nightstand. Jon was laying there reviewing reports from a large holo-screen suspended at the foot of his bed. He looked like shit.

“I can’t believe you let some porkies fuck you up like this,” she said with a malicious bubble.

“Fuck you. Oh, I got your flowers,” he said gesturing to a lovely bouquet with a huge silvery balloon emblazoned with cute pink hearts and in a pretty flowing script the words, “I hope it hurts you miserable fuck.”

“I wasn’t sure what was appropriate,” Axlea said with a chuckle. “It’s the thought that counts, right?”

“Bitch,” Jon laughed. “Oh, we got gun camera footage off of Toby’s piece of shit rifle. It was Morgana behind that goddamn cannon.”

“Surprise, surprise,” Axlea said wagging her head. “On the bright side, looks like she lost her Z’uush.”

“Thank God for that,” Jon said.

“Yeah, we had to pressure-wash enough of your Terran ass off the streets as it is.”

“What the fuck was she using?”

“An Adjudicator anti-tank gun.”

“Well, that explains it,” he said rubbing his stump thoughtfully.

“Don’t worry, we are going to get that bitch,” Director Axlea said with a snarl.

“Oh don’t concern yourself overmuch,” Jon said with a grin. He was waiting for this part. “I’m going to be in the shop for a little bit so they are sending a temporary replacement. She will be handling the investigation on our end.”

“Fuck,” Axlea said, “And just who will that be?”

Jon just laughed.

“Patricia Hu.”

Axlea’s globe filled with bubbles.

“You gotta be shitting me!”

“Nope. They remembered which layer of Hell they banished her to and dug her up especially for this.”

“She’s not dead yet?”

“Are you kidding? She is too evil to die,” Jon said with a chuckle.

“She’s wasting a trip,” Axlea said. “Morgana Farstan will be dead before she gets here.”

“Better hope so,” Jon laughed, “If not you will have Patricia Hu with full diplomatic immunity and a mandate from the Republic on your hands.”

“You are behind this! You did this just to fuck with me!”

“Hell no! Do you think I want that monster running around here? I tried every goddamn thing I could think of to stop this. I even said nice things about you of all people! Want to know the worst part? She’s staying.”

“Fucking what?!?”

“Yep, she’s going to be the new ‘Deputy Ambassador to the Federation’. Ol’ Morgana royally pissed off the wrong people back home. They wanted to ‘ensure this doesn’t happen again’.”

“Oh fuck me...”

“Fuck both of us...”

***

It was around midnight when Cyrus arrived at the same abandoned lot he did the last time he met with Morgana. He smiled to himself. He was finally going to get that bitch. The best part was he wasn’t going to have to lift a single finger.

In the shadows, Morgana saw him pull up with only a two people this time. He had called her earlier that day saying that he set up a meet with Sheila. Finally. It took him long enough but I guess the thought of more of his business going up in flames finally got him to get off of his ass. She thought to herself. She checked the stun rifle in her hands. He said that she usually showed up with only a couple of people. Her guys, her new ones, were going to take out her cronies and she was going to stun the bitch and take her time with her. She might even join ol’ Cyrus for a little barbecue.

Out of the corner of her eye she noticed an odd distortion.

Optical shielding!

She whirled and fired hitting the blur dead center. The shield dispersed revealing none other than Director Axlea herself.

“Shit!” she yelled and went for her blaster. It was too late. A single gunshot rang out.

Suddenly she was in agony. It was as if her entire body was on fire. She fell down and started to convulse.

Axlea walked up and stood over her.

“I was going have it done clean but you have no idea how much trouble you have just caused me,” Axlea said. “Good-bye, bitch.”

Morgana screamed as the blood started to weep from her eyes.

She screamed for a very long time.

Morgana was still screaming when Axlea walked up to Cyrus.

“That her?” Cyrus asked grinning from ear to ear.

“Yes. Red-tip.”

“Good. Serves her right,” Cyrus said with a laugh. “I was hoping to have a barbecue though.”

“Oops.”

“It’s all good. You get rid of a pain in my ass and owe me a favor. Not a bad night.”

“Yeah,” Axlea said, “about that...”

One of her feet shot up with blinding speed, grabbed Cyrus’ head, and crushed it like a grape as a blur suddenly shot down from above cutting down his two henchmen.

A blood splattered Xvli wiped off its claws and turned to Director Axlea.

“Sounds like she is having fun,” he said as he nodded towards Morgana.

“Red-tips are a bitch,” Axlea chuckled, “So, everything else is in motion?”

“Yes, Director,” the Xvli said calmly. “By morning the entire Red-Teeth organization will be dead, not just here but on all worlds on which they operate… and their families,” the Xvli said with some distaste.

“Problem?”

“No, just a question,” the Xvli said evenly, “why the families, even the children?”

“Especially the children,” Axlea said. “[email protected]@, you are a good agent and have a real future here so I will give you some advice,” Axlea said calmly, “When you are fighting humans, even porkies, all flames must be extinguished, all loose threads cut, all family killed. Leave nothing behind you. It’s the only way to be sure. It’s the only way you can win.”

She paused to listen to the screams echoing across the lot and smiled.

The Xvli just looked at her with a mix of admiration and horror. It was easy to forget exactly why she was the director of intelligence. Only every now and again did one get a reminder.

“You hungry?” Axlea asked. “There is this great little diner open in the Crystal District. They have the best sausage.”

“Might as well,” the Xvli said with a chuckle, “I just found out how it's made after all.”

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