Tales From the Terran Republic

“You fuckers are unbelievable, you know that?”

“Aww, Helena,” Sheila laughed as she took a skewer from a tray carried by a passing Z’uush, “You aren’t still going on about that are you?”

“What?” Helena replied, “Oh you mean the fact that you dickheads decided to steal one of the greatest technological achievements of mankind for the sole reason of stealing a fucking starship? Oh you mean that? How could I ever still be fucking pissed off about something as trivial as that?…” She took a bite of her skewer. “Damn, these things are good!”

“Not just stealing a starship!” Jessie chirped as she poured herself a glass of orange juice, “We are going to do all sorts of cool stuff with it!”

“Don’t you dare ask her more!” Eno laughed. “It will take days to shut her up!”

Jessie just stuck her tongue out at him.

“Yeah, I can’t believe you guys,” Roberts said laughing.

“Don’t think you can wiggle out of this either, fuckwad!” Helena said as she tickled him. “You guys are such assholes!”

“Well, that sort of comes with the job description,” Jacob chuckled as he tore into a fresh skewer.

“One of the greatest technological achievements of mankind is a bit of a stretch though,” Jessie chirped. “If you porkies think the Aster is one of your greatest achievements, you’re falling behind bad.”

“What?”

“Seriously,” Jessie said between bites of Z’uush cooked goodness, “The Aster is amazing for its size but it wouldn’t even rank in the top one hundred in the Republic as far as raw 'oomph' goes.”

“Bullshit!”

“The geek speaks the truth,” Sheila said as she reached for the orange juice, “Your average Republic cruiser packs more power and a lot of universities have way better hardware than the Aster.”

“Oh what I wouldn’t give for a cruiser core!” Jessie gushed. “Bunny would be so happy in one of those!”

“Ok, now I know you are pulling my fucking leg,” Helena said as she grabbed an imp melon, a fruit native to her homeworld.

“No, seriously,” Roberts said. “The Aster is fantastic, make no mistake, but ‘greatest technological achievement of mankind’? Nah.”

“But… But the Aster was based on the latest Federation research!”

“And our stuff is entirely our own,” Sheila said, “We aren’t limited by some stale old bullshit.”

“Well, in all honesty we borrowed a lot from the Empire.” Jessie said with a little smirk knowing she was about to get a reaction. “In fact almost all of our civilian systems are still assembled in the-”

“To our specs and our best stuff is still home grown!” Sheila snapped.

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that,” Jessie mumbled into her glass.

“What was that?”

“Nothing,” Jessie smiled.

“Got something to say, weeb?”

“You are right, our most powerful systems are made in the Republic… they might need their own buildings and dedicated power grids but-”

“Oh sit on a dick!” Sheila exclaimed as she threw a slice of toast at Jessie. Jessie just caught it and laughed in response.

“Hey! There is nothing wrong with TBF!” Roberts laughed.

“TBF?” Helena asked.

“Terran motherfucking Brute Force!” Sheila exclaimed happily. “Make it fucking huge and pump a shitload of power through it! Works every fucking time! Who cares if it’s the size of a city block and needs its own fusion reactor network! We got plenty of fucking room and the best reactors in the motherfucking galaxy!”

“You’re shitting me!” Helena exclaimed.

“Nope,” Jessie bubbled happily, “The monolith class supercomputers are that big. They are fucking monsters! Even the Empire doesn’t have anything like them!”

“What do you even use something like that for?”

“I dunno… stuff?” Jessie laughed. “That isn’t the fucking point! We fucking have them! That’s the fucking point!”

“Typical Terrans,” Helena said as she rolled her eyes.

“You’re goddamn right!” Sheila laughed.

“So, what is on the schedule for today, more pillaging?” Helena asked as she sunk her teeth into a piece of steak. “Fuck! Those Z’uush are good cooks!”

“I know, right?” Sheila responded. “Well, we have a little thing we have to do first. We have compared the current passenger manifest against Bruce’s customer database and we have hits, twenty-three of them.”

“Oh,” Helena said quietly. “So...”

“Yeah,” Sheila said with a cruel smile, “So we have a little business to take care of. Do you want to be there to document it?”

“Yeah… Yeah, of course,” Helena said grimly. “You going to build crosses for all of them?”

“No time,” Gloria said in a quiet monotone, “I would love to but-” She fell silent as Helena and Roberts glared at her. She shrugged and then returned to her breakfast.

“What are you going to do then?” Helena asked sort of dreading the answer.

***

Rupert Glent took the boxes of cereal and synthmilk from the guard and carried them back to the little pile of crates and bedding where his family were sitting. His daughter bounced up and down excitedly.

“Bunny Crunch!” she enthused. She had developed quite the taste for Bunny Crunch, something that she would never be allowed to eat otherwise. Everything on their table back home was organic and high-quality, not something as cheap and unhealthy as Bunny Crunch.

She expertly ripped open the side of the box and filled it with some synthmilk and happily started munching away. She especially loved how it made the milk bright pink and sparkly with all of the artificial coloring and nominally edible holographic glitter. He could see his wife wince every time his daughter took a bite.

Rupert couldn’t help but smile a little at her. At least she was having fun. She had even had the presence of mind to leverage her situation into securing promises from both her parents that she would be able to continue to get her new favorite breakfast once their “adventure” was over.

He had absolutely no doubt the little shark knew exactly what she was doing when she did it. He was a little proud.

He handed his son a box of his new favorite cereal (Crunchy Powerblasters) and sat down next to his wife and they grimly tore into their repast.

“They feed us this garbage and you just know they are feasting like kings,” his wife grumbled.

“At least they are feeding us,” he replied. “Well, sort of feeding us anyhow,” he said as he put a spoonful of Happy Crunch in his mouth. “Why do all of these have to have the word ‘crunch’ somewhere in their name?”

“It’s a way to market the fact they are fifty-percent plastic,” his wife snickered as she tucked into her Healthy Crunch Supreme. She looked over at the guards uneasily. “Those bug things scare the shit out of me.”

“As long as they aren’t Terrans I don’t care what they look like,” Rupert whispered to her. “Those bug looking things are actually pretty decent. Well, decent as far as armed thugs go in any event. They even remembered our kid’s favorite cereal.”

Suddenly the doors to the cargo bay opened and a host of armed humans and other creatures filed in, many more than had ever come in before. Rupert set down his cereal and stood protectively in front of his family.

This didn’t look good.

“Alright!” a woman at the front of the pirates shouted. “Everybody line up, now!… I said NOW!!!”

“What’s going on?” Rupert asked as he worriedly started to fall into line.

“Pray you don’t find out,” a Terran snarled at him as he roughly shoved him into place.

Rupert looked on with increasing apprehension as a small human woman walked along the line holding a tablet up to each person in turn. She would occasionally just nod and they would drag the person off to the side and tie their hands behind their back with disposable restraints.

After they grabbed around twenty people or so the woman who was clearly their leader said, “Fall out… That means go back to whatever you were doing.”

“Where are you taking my son?” an older woman cried in alarm as she rushed towards them.

“You know where and you know why. Be grateful you aren’t coming along, bitch.” their leader snarled as she pushed the woman back with the butt of her rifle. “Just in case any of the rest of you don’t know...” she barked as a holo-projector was brought into the room.

It was turned on as they all left with the people they grabbed.

That rude foul mouthed woman from the cruise appeared.

“Bruce’s Emporium, an easily overlooked establishment just off the promenade of the White Star...” Helena began as footage of her walk through, complete with barely clothed captives, started to play.

Rupert watched the program in horror as his wife covered his children’s eyes…

***

The former patrons of Bruce’s Emporium were roughly shoved into a short corridor and the blast door slammed shut behind them.

“Ok, now we go back to pillaging. I want to get into the larger vaults today,” Sheila said as she dusted off her hands.

“What are you going to do to them?” Helena asked.

“We just did it. Those doors are airtight.”

“Are you going to, um...” she swallowed hard, “trigger fire suppression?… Like what happened to me?”

“Nope. That would be too good for them,” Sheila replied. “We just walk away. Let nature take its course. They’ll die sooner or later.”

“Jesus...”

“Ok, now we pillage!” Sheila said cheerfully as they all walked away.

***

Helena was pretty much free to go wherever she wanted and do whatever she pleased and she made good use of that freedom. She got hours of interviews from the former Z’uush freedom fighters recording first hand accounts of their war and the reasons behind it. She was wrapping up another interview with them when Roberts cocked his head to the side covering his earpiece with his hand.

“Got it,” he responded. “Hey, Helena, they just cracked open the first of the vaults and they say you really want see this.”

Helena and Roberts hurried to the location of the bank’s larger storage vaults deep within the ship. Sheila’s whole crew, except for T’sunk’al (who was guarding the Tiger), had assembled and they were pulling out paintings, one after the other.

“Holy shit!” Jessie chirped excitedly as she was scanning them. “These are from the sacking of the Louvre!”

“Nice!” Jacob exclaimed. “These have to be worth over a billion, easy!”

“They would if we were going to sell them,” Sheila said with a grin, “All of these are going right back to the Republic.”

“But, Sheila...”

“No sense getting greedy, dude,” Sheila responded, “We are making plenty off of this little job. We can afford to give these back.”

“I guess. Seems like such a waste though,” Jacob said looking at the trove longingly.

“Think of it as buying goodwill,” Sheila grinned, “These little scribbles will ensure our continued welcome in the Republic. After this stunt we just might need that.”

“These are worth millions… billions…” Helena stammered as she stumbled into the vault looking around at all the masterpieces. “You’re just going to give them away?”

“Yup,” Sheila responded, “You know why this shit has been sitting in this vault for this long? Because it’s that fucking hard to move. We’re much better off just giving it to the Republic than we are spending the rest of our lives sitting on billions we can’t actually get. It’s fucking awesome when things are kinda priceless but when they actually are priceless it’s a royal pain in the ass. Let’s just get this shit into a museum where they have people who can properly take care of it.”

“Besides, we already have our pirate’s treasure!” Jessie laughed. “Those drives are going to make us billions not to mention the loot from the safety deposit boxes.”

“Ooo! What have you found in those?” Helena asked.

“Millions in jewelry, precious stones, rare mineral specimens, and best of all… information!”

“Information?”

“Piles and piles of data crystals,” Jessie gushed, “Haven’t had the time to go through them but whatever is on them is worth locking up. Some of those crystals are likely just loaded with boring old credits but hopefully not all of them! God knows what sweet sweet filth we have on God knows who!”

“I don’t suppose I could maybe take a look?” Helena asked as casually as she could manage.

“I’m sure that we will want to publicly release a lot of it,” Sheila said with a smile. “Whatever we do, we will slide over your way. I bet there will be more than a few scandals in there.”

“T’sunk’al is feeding them to me as we speak,” Bunny announced over a speaker, “While some of them are simply loaded with those boring old credits you were talking about the ones containing other files are very interesting indeed. More than a few scandals is quite the understatement I can assure you. We will be able to send more than one of those ‘porkie scum’ as Helena likes to call them straight to prison… or have them under our thumb… whichever we choose. Humans are terrible at coming up with passwords by the way.”

“Well don’t keep me in suspense, Bunny!” Jessie chittered.

“We have an outsider in our midst. As fond as I am of Helena I would assume that you would like to review the data in private before sharing it with the press.”

“Bunny has a point,” Sheila said, “Just sit on that info for now, Bunny. We’ll go over it later.”

“You’re fond of Helena?” Jessie asked excitedly, “Really?!?”

“(sigh) It’s a figure of speech, Jessie,” Bunny replied with an exasperated tone of voice. “Remember, you have explicitly instructed me to use them. Honestly, must we have this conversation each and every time I do exactly what you have programmed me to do?”

“Yes yes yes but why that one?!?”

“I picked an appropriate figure of speech at random… well as random as a computer can actually achieve.”

“Hey! Play mad scientist on your own time,” Sheila laughed. “I need scans, not proof of sentient AI’s right now.”

“Hey, Bunny, she called you sentient!” Jessie laughed.

“Rather than take the bait I will simply remind you what your boss just told you. I await those scans for analysis,” Bunny responded and terminated the conversation with a completely unnecessary “click”.

“She’s totally sapient!” Jessie whispered to Helena. “She wasn’t nearly this much of a handful before I loaded her into the Aster.”

The screen of Jessie’s tablet suddenly filled with scientific article after scientific article concerning the impossibility of an AI truly becoming self-aware along with all of the documentation of previous failed attempts.

“Oh, I guess I was wrong then,” Jessie said to Helena with a wink as she manually closed document after document after document.

“Can you wait until after we are off this derelict before you give your AI a stroke, please,” Sheila laughed. “Less talking, more scanning.”

I can’t believe those art history classes are actually coming in handy! Helena thought to herself as she took photo after photo calling out the names of pieces that she recognized.

She was actually right most of the time.

***

Kash was leaning against the bar sampling various human beers. After they subdued the ship and all of the areas that weren’t reserved by Sheila’s gang were picked over there wasn’t a whole lot to do between guard shifts. As his father said, the hunt isn’t over until you are safely home and balls deep but this one was going entirely too smoothly. He really hated it at first but now that Mr. Eno’s handiwork was holding entirely too much of him together he was grateful for the quiet.

He turned a bit too quickly and winced. Terrans were known for their guns but it turns out that more people in the Republic are killed with knives than anything else. Fortunately for him that meant that Mr. Eno had plenty of practice.

They are kind of good with blades. He wished someone, like his asshole father for example, had really made that clear before he went and did something as stupid as going tooth and claw with a knife wielding Terran. He knew they were good with knives. He just didn’t know they were good with them.

He should have used a club at the very least. He just chuckled ruefully and finished some “Federation pisswater” as Lorna and Mike, two Terrans who he had befriended recently, called it.

He kind of liked it. He wondered if Terran beer was as much better as they claimed or if it was just their hatred of the porkies transferring to everything they touched. They promised to get him some proper beer when they all pulled back to the Republic. He was quite looking forward to that.

“Hey, Kash!” a gruff voice called out behind him. It was Kroushka, a Drax from another tribe.

“Oh hello, Kroushka. Has the hunt favored you?”

“Fuck no,” Kroushka snarled, “Gotta hand it to Sheila and hers. Their plan was as brilliant as it was dishonorable. What little fighting there was took place where I would have had to abandon my position to get a tooth in.” Kroushka walked around the bar and grabbed a bottle of wine. “Ah, Molorgrovian. Nice.”

“I’ve never had that,” Kash said. “Is it good?”

“It’s so good you aren’t getting any,” Kroushka laughed. “Just kidding, here. Give this a shot,” they said as they poured Kash a glassful.

“Wow!” Kash exclaimed. “This is good!”

“Better than anything a fucking human can squeeze out, that’s for damn sure. They might be some weak blooded pacifists but they can make the hell out of some alcohol.”

They drank for a moment.

“So, Kash,” Kroushka said as they drained their glass, “I saw your fight and I have to say I liked what I saw… Really liked what I saw” they said as they wrapped a burly arm around Kash.

“Umm...” Kash said as he stiffened up and unsuccessfully tried to back away.

“You can’t have a video of you, naked, going at it tooth and claw with a Terran going around without expecting some interest,” Kroushka said as they leaned in closer, “… and I’m definitely interested...”

“Thanks?” Kash said uneasily.

“So, how about it? You already took care of your first kill. How about we take care of that virginity?”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I’m flattered but-”

“Oh come on,” Kroushka said as they leaned in and whispered, “Don’t tell me you haven’t at least thought about it. I can promise you that you’ll like it… a lot.”

“Oh hell no!” Volshugna bellowed as he strode into the bar. “Kroushka, get your perverted claws off of my cub!”

“Excuse me,” Kroushka smiled, “I was having a private chat with a nice attractive, young, delicious Drax warrior. I don’t see anybody’s cub around here. Do you, Kash?”

“Uhh...” Kash wittily replied.

“Kash, come over here. You don’t want to get involved with those freaks!”

“Freak? Are you casting doubt on my honor?” Kroushka growled.

“Your honor and savagery are above reproach, Kroushka and you know it,” Volshugna growled back. “Your honor isn’t in question here. It’s your… unnatural nature that I’m worried about.”

“Unnatural?” Kroushka laughed. “What’s a greater affront to nature, a Terran killing virgin or a lean hot sexy female warrior?”

Volushgna fell silent. Fuck if that wasn’t a good point.

“So, Kash,” Kroushka purred as she removed a medallion from her neck, “you have already claimed one hard won trophy...” She wiggled the medallion. “Feel like trying for another? Not many Drax can wear one of these on their belt. That skull will get the fatties attention but one of these? If you manage to win one of these, all the plump little brood mothers will be dying to find out what you did to get it. I guarantee it.” She slid up a little closer waving the medallion in an almost hypnotic fashion. “See many of these on a warrior’s belt? Besides, I promise you that you will love it.”

Kash could feel her breath, smell it… That scent… This was a woman, a real woman, and a warrior no less, who wanted to lie with him. He could feel himself getting excited. To hell with the trophy. He was about to get laid.

“Kroushka, the cub is cut all to hell. He is no shape to-” Volushgna started.

“Please, I’ve fucked warriors, male and female, far more wounded than this. I know how to fuck a bloodied warrior,” she purred as she stroked Kash’s cheek. “Unlike those fatties you Drax men seem to prefer I can actually support my own body weight,” she then turned to Kash and whispered, “And I can do it in all sorts of interesting positions, things you will never get to experience with one of those big'uns back home.”

“It’s out of the question.” Volushgna said crossing his arms and stamping his foot. “My cub’s first time is going to be with a proper lady, not some man-thing. Besides, don’t you people prefer your own kind?”

“Oh we take comfort in each other’s embrace while we wait for a real Drax to come along,” Kroushka chuckled, “That’s why you’ve never had the pleasure...”

“This conversation is over, Kroushka. You are a savage and brave warrior and are worthy of honor but no cub of mine-”

“Well, Kash?” Kroushka purred, “Are you daddy’s little cub or are you a warrior who can make up his own mind?” She looked down and smiled. “Looks like part of you has already come to a decision.”

Kash just sighed and turned towards Volushgna. “I love you as a fellow warrior, a kinsman, and family. I will proudly fight and die along your side and as my warchief I will follow you straight through the gates of hell with a song on my lips… but if you try to get between me and some pussy we are going to have a problem. Do we have a problem, Volushgna?”

Volushgna just stepped back with a little smile playing across his fangs.

“No, Kashulga, I guess we don’t.” He grinned, “Raaagh!” He yelled as he grabbed a bottle from the bar and left.

***

Volushgna and Sheila were sitting in an empty cafe’ with a plate of snacks a bottle of beer and a cup of coffee, respectively.

“Well, he had to grow up sometime, Volshy,” Sheila chuckled.

“That he did,” Volushgna said with a smile. “You should have seen it, Sheila. He squared off against me and everything.”

“I’m surprised you stood for that.”

“Hey! He had a hard on! I am not fighting my cub when he has a spike!”

Sheila proceeded to laugh. “Fuck, now there’s an image.”

“Yeah, what if it fucking poked me or something?”

“As excited as he was imagine if-”

“NO! Just… no!” Volushgna yelled as Sheila continued to laugh.

“Some people like to get choked and bit you know. Maybe he would have liked-”

“STOP!!! By the Lord of the Hunt! What the fuck is wrong with you?!?” he howled.

Sheila was coughing and gasping for breath as tears streamed down her face.

“Well, Volshy, you gotta hand it to him,” Sheila said once she caught her breath, “He’s had one hell of a first hunt so far.”

“Yes, that he has. His mother is going to flay me alive but yes, one hell of a first hunt.”

“Well you don’t have to tell her everything.”

“Her little cub shows up with a Terran skull, a huge fucking scar, and to top it all off a Draxa warrior’s medallion on his fucking belt? Oh she will have just a couple of questions, trust me. She will be proud as hell, make no mistake, but she will definitely not be happy with me.” he laughed as he shook his head.

“Volushgna!” Lorna yelled as she walked up, “Volshy, you seen Kash? We found some real Terran gin!” she exclaimed happily as Mike held up a bottle of clear liquid triumphantly.

Sheila made an unhappy face.

“Oh you know we can handle our liquor, boss.”

“I don’t doubt it for a second,” Sheila said with a smile. “It’s just that bottle looks really nice right about now...”

“So we should keep the fact that we also found a pile fresh limes to ourselves then?” Mike said with a wiggle of the bottle.

Sheila just flipped them off and raised her coffee cup as they both laughed.

“So do you know where Kash is? I thought he would like a taste of a real Terran drink.” Mike asked.

“Well, Big M,” Volushgna said with a chuckle. “Kashulga is getting laid.”

“What?” Lorna asked in surprise, “By whom?”

“Kroushka.”

“Damn. That big hairy monster?” Mike asked in shock. “Huh, didn’t know Kash swung that way.”

“Top, bottom, or free for all?” Lorna asked with a wicked smile.

“What do you mean?” Volushgna asked. “Kroushka is a chick!”

“Kroushka is female? But I thought your women didn’t fight… and they are...” Lorna said as she held her arms out in front of her belly.

“Well that’s how they are supposed to be but Drax aren’t great at always doing what they are supposed to, right Volshy?” Sheila said with a grin.

“Yeah, every now and then you have a Draxa who decided to fashion arms and armor for herself instead of her man and every once in a while you have a Drax who likes helping raise the kids just a little too much,” Volshugna shrugged. “You humans have the same thing don’t you?”

“Yeah, but Kroushka looks like a dude. Did she take hormones or something?”

“What? No. Draxa don’t fill out into their beautiful selves until they have a kid or two,” Volshugna replied. “A childless Draxa has to damn near gorge herself to get even a little bit of a figure. It can be really hard for some of them to get someone to put a kid in them at first. Not my sister though,” he said proudly. “She got knocked up before I had even gone on my first hunt!”

“I didn’t know that,” Sheila said, “Damn, good for her!”

“And you don’t have a problem with that?” Mike asked. “I thought your culture was rather…um… strict.”

“Well, it’s not something that we celebrate but when it happens it happens,” Volshugna replied with another shrug. “If a Draxa fights with honor then she’s a Drax. If a Drax pulls his weight at home then fine, he’s a Draxa. Hell, I was damn near raised by ‘Auntie Gorshura’. She made my first pistol, actually.”

“Yeah, it’s all good until one of them decides to fuck your cub, huh?” Sheila snickered.

“It’s not like that,” Volshugna said defensively, “It’s just that I’ve worked with Kroushka for years off and on and was used to thinking of her as a Drax and then suddenly she is trying to wrap her legs around my cub? It was just really fucking weird, that’s all.”

“And what if she was actually a Drax?”

“I would have had about the same reaction!” Volshugna laughed, “But in the end it’s what Kashulga wanted to do so… whatever… If he can take a Terran’s head he can fuck whoever he wants and I could definitely tell who he wanted to fuck.” he said with a huge laugh “Raaargh! That was a spike!” he yelled holding up his fist

“I just can’t get over it,” Lorna said shaking her head, “Kroushka is a woman...”

“Yeah, her whole crew is...” Sheila said and then elbowed Volshugna, “Hey Volshy, her whole crew is...”

“Oh no!” Volshugna laughed.

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