Tales From the Terran Republic

Baxlon and I spent a little while going over some details and planning out our “game” as he put it. I felt a whole lot better after talking with him. He really had his poop together!

I hummed a happy little tune as I was led back to my cell block. The doors automatically opened and I almost skipped through them and down a short hallway.

I stopped humming as the woman from breakfast, leaning on a mop, was leaning against a wall.

“Have a nice visit, bitch?” she snarled at me. Her friends turned the corner completely blocking the hall.

Oh poop. I looked around and there was nobody else in sight. I didn’t like where this was going.

“So, you are the ‘real deal’, huh?” the woman said as she walked towards me.

“Um… I really don’t want any trouble, please,” I squeaked as I backed away.

“Funny thing about this little stretch here,” the woman said as she continued her advance. “The sensors here don’t work so good.” She backed me against a wall.

“Look, about breakfast, I’m really sorry about the misunder-” I started to say as she grabbed me by the throat. Before I could react she had lifted me off the ground, squishing me against the wall.

“You’re the real deal? Show me, bitch! Show me that real deal!” she snarled as she really started to choke me. Oh scum! I couldn’t breathe! I was so scared! I let out a tiny strangled little squeak as I tried to wiggle free.

She just laughed and squeezed harder.

“Your bunny friend isn’t here, bitch. It’s just you and m-”

I guess I freaked out a little bit so I started flailing my hands at her. One thing about us Plath is that we don’t have claws or even fingernails. We have pads. Our pads are funny though. They are really grippy.

My pads latched onto her face and I guess because I was so scared they really stuck onto it hard and I started yanking and pulling. I had no idea human faces were so stretchy, especially the eyelids!

Oh she didn’t like that! She let go of my throat and grabbed my wrists trying to pull my pads free. Wasn’t going to happen. I had latched on her head like it was a wet rock! All she was doing was helping me stretch her face some more.

When she did this I started to slide down the wall. As my face bumped her torso it hit something soft.

Another thing about us Plath. We are really peaceful, even timid by human standards but just like any species fights do happen sometimes. We do it a little different. Where humans punch and kick we grapple… and bite.

Instinctively I almost unhinged my jaw and pooping clamped it shut around the soft lump. It doesn’t look like we have very strong jaw muscles but we never bothered inventing nut-crackers.

We didn’t have to. Besides, we like the shells! Crunchy!

I clamped the bony ridges in my mouth down hard, harder than I’ve ever bitten something before.

Oh she really didn’t like that.

“Aaaaaaaa!” she screamed as she started flailing and pummeling me trying to get me to turn loose. That wasn’t going to pooping happen either. I had clamped down tight and wasn’t letting go for anything. She tried punching at my eyes which does hurt but it they aren’t like human eyes at all. They are really big and poke out a little so I guess they evolved to be a lot tougher. I just closed my eyes and kept squeezing my jaws shut for everything they were worth.

I felt that she was running around and I got slammed into a wall but that didn’t do all that much. When I said we were tiny and weak things but tough tiny weak things I wasn’t just talking about my pooping spirit.

“Get it off! Get it off!” she screamed as one of her friends grabbed me and started to pull. At this point I had both of my hands on her head and my feet firmly gripping the front of her shirt.

I wasn’t going anywhere! All they managed to do was pull my head back a little which just made the woman scream harder. She was screaming and cussing and trying to hit me but I was right up against her and she really couldn’t get a lick in.

Then I got hit really hard from behind. It almost knocked the wind out of me and really hurt. I cracked one of my eyes open. My big eyes have a pretty good field of vision and I could see the other woman who hit me from behind.

She pulled back her leg to kick. Oh poop that wasn’t something I wanted to take! We are tough and apparently I can survive at least one punch ok but I was sure that kick was something I didn’t want!

I could see her perfectly fine so just when she launched that kick I pushed off with my legs lifting my body clear. This wrenched my head, still quite firmly attached to her chest and that woman really screamed just as her friend kicked her right in the gut.

She doubled over which let me get my feet on the floor! They stuck so now she couldn’t stand back up. Her friends were really trying to kick at me but I had her bent over me and the wall behind me so they were having a hard time getting to me especially after she fell to her knees for some reason. Why did she do that? It wasn’t a very tactically sound move because it just gave me a better shield.

Her friends did manage to get a decent enough kick in every couple of times they tried though and I was getting beat around pretty bad but I still had a death grip on her face and where my pads did slip they left friction “pad-burns” as they slid across her head and my jaw ridges were still biting down with enough force to easily crush a walnut (I really like walnuts! Seriously, those are the best!) onto one of her breasts.

About the time her screaming and cursing was turning to sobbing and pleading I heard boots running down the hall.

I heard someone yelling something but I was so flushing freaked out that I couldn’t really make out what they were saying so I just kept my death-bite right where it was.

About a second later the world exploded.

***

Lucky was sitting in the common area and slammed down a card on the table.

“Fucking supernova, bitches!”

All the other players groaned and threw down their cards.

“By the void, Lucky! How do you fucking do it?”

“Skill. You should try it sometime,” Lucky chuckled. “Now that’s four desserts and two dinner salads! Oh I’m going have to have a feast tonight!”

“Yeah, yeah, fuck you,” a big shaggy white furred creature grumbled. Lucky just laughed with delight.

A human rushed up to the table.

“Hey Lucky! I found out what the lockdown and all that screaming was about!”

“Oh?” Lucky replied.

“That was Donna.”

“Couldn’t have happened to a nicer lady,” Lucky chuckled happily.

“Yeah, you know that new girl, the little frog thing?”

Lucky looked up sharply.

“Yeah?” she said with an edge in her voice.

“Donna and her heffers jumped her in Blind Alley.”

“What!” Lucky snarled. “Where is that cunt?” she asked as she lept to her feet.

The woman grinned.

“The fucking hospital. Not the clinic, the hospital. That little frog thing fucked her up bad! Damn near ripped one of her tits off.”

“Doesn’t really surprise me,” Lucky said as she relaxed. “I fucking warned that bitch that Sheloran was the real deal.”

“That little thing went fucking crazy! It fucked up her face, damn near ripped off an eyelid, and almost chewed off one of her tits! Both of her friends couldn’t stop her. Fuck! The guards couldn’t stop her! It took them five hits to bring her down!”

The whole table looked up in surprise.

“Five?!?” the large shaggy creature rumbled in amazement. “Bullshit! No way! That’s impossible!”

“Heard it straight from the guards! They can’t believe it either! They kept prodding her and she shrugged it off like it was nothing! Fuck! Even after she was out she was still biting that cow! They had to take them to the clinic so they could detach her!”

“What the hell sort of species is she?” A Juon exclaimed.

“She’s just a Plath,” Lucky replied, “Their homeworld is in my sector.”

“Both the Xvli and the Plath are in the same sector? Did the creator have had a lump of ugly to get rid of or something?”

“The Plath aren’t shit,” Lucky replied, “Seriously, they are just little wimp noodles. They will just curl up and cry if you touch them. It isn’t the species, it’s the individual. She didn’t go up against a Plath. She went up against a Sheloran. That woman is bad fucking news, the real fucking deal. Fuck! I wouldn’t willingly go up against her. She’s nightmare level shit.”

“Really?” the Juon asked in disbelief, “That little thing?”

“Yes, that little thing,” Lucky replied, “Let me tell you about ‘that little thing’...”

A few minutes later the whole table looked up at Lucky in amazement.

“Woah!” the big shaggy creature rumbled in awe. “Donna fucked with that? She’s lucky to be alive!”

“Well, she is in here,” Lucky replied, “Sheloran probably didn’t want to add another killing to the mix, let her off easy.”

“Fuck,” the woman who first brought the news muttered, “If that’s letting someone off easy I don’t want to see what letting someone off hard would be.”

“I don’t know,” Lucky said baring her teeth as she smiled, “Might be fun to watch.”

***

The next thing I knew I was laying down on something soft and my head pooping hurt! I opened my eyes and I was looking up at an illumination panel on a ceiling somewhere.

I tried to raise my hands to my face and couldn’t. They were firmly strapped to the sides of what appeared to be a hospital bed.

“Good morning!” a cheerful voice laughed, “Have a good nap?”

I painfully turned my pounding head to see a Kalesh in a loose white tunic.

“Wha?” I managed to mumble. Talking was really hard! “Ee!” I squeaked in alarm. Oh poop! I thought to myself. Did I get brain damaged?

“Relax,” the Kalesh laughed. “You got the stuffing stunned out of you. Those prison rods will scramble you good!”

“Ooo?”

“They gave you five whole zaps! That’s enough to bring down… shit… I think that’s a record, actually.”

“Y?”

“The idiots thought you were still down there attacking that poor bitch when you were long gone and your jaw had just locked tight and your… fingers?… were just stuck.”

That can happen! It happens all the flushing time! I was surprised that they didn’t know that for a second until I realized I was the only Plath in the whole pooping Republic.

“Poo!” I gurgled angrily. “Poo!”

“Yeah, sorry about that. We screamed at them about it if it makes you feel any better. The doctor lost his fucking mind! I think he is still in the admin office raising hell.”

“Poo.”

“We have scanned the hell out of you and everything seems ok. I gotta tell you that you are one tough little customer. Those rods are pretty well engineered and designed to do no permanent injury but fuck… five hits! We had to call some experts about that!”

“Mglugh.”

“Not sure what you are saying but don’t worry. Extended temporary neurological disruption syndrome is a known after effect of excessive stun rod application. We've checked and you no actual nervous system damage has been detected… as far as we know… your nerves are kinda weird.”

“Wha?!?” They didn’t flushing know? What the poop! Oh yeah, I remembered. I’m the first one. Being a pioneer pooping sucked!

“They sent a complete scan of you via hyperlink-”

“Gha!!!!”

“Don’t worry, it was to Starshield, you know, their Red Cross? We may hate each other but the Red Cross and Starshield have a good relationship. We left your name out of the records as well.”

Whoop-de-pooping-do, I thought. There was only one flushing Plath in the whole pooping Republic! Who would they flushing think it was, the reincarnation of the flushing Great Prophet?

“Poo.” I grumbled.

“Just try to rest,” the Kalesh said wiggling their eyestalks. (That means they are smiling.) “Odds are you will be just fine. We were able to get a decent amount of info from Starshield aready and have given you something that should really help with the inflammation and bruising and they are synthesizing something that should help with the nerve scramble. I don’t know what’s taking so long. They should have been here hours ago.”

Almost as if by magic a tunic clad human female walked in holding a small vial.

“Oh, speak of the devil,” the Kalesh said with a laugh. “What took you so long?”

“You are lucky it happened at all,” the woman said, “This shit isn’t chemistry. It’s fucking alchemy! Its a cocktail of dozens and dozens of very complicated compounds in a very specific ratio. I had to get damn near the whole city involved.”

She turned to me. “This is an exact molecule for molecule copy of malporixlorh extract.”

Malporixlorh extract! That’s some potent stuff! It’s in our bible! Fortunately along with the list of the miracles performed by the ancient prophets and masters our bible includes the recipes! Our bible isn’t just one book, it’s more like an encylopedia.

“This… this grows naturally? On a single plant?” the woman asked me holding the vial.

“Yeh.”

“Amazing.”

I managed to open my mouth a bit so they could pour it in. This was really pooping amazing! Malporixloh extract! I’ve never had it before! Along with its curative powers it is supposed to allow the Creator to speak to you! I was really excited! I hoped that it would happen to me!

I had a whole bunch of poop to discuss with him! He was going to get a piece of my flushing mind!

It took effect pretty quickly and I started to drift off to sleep. As I did I could hear the Kalesh and the human laughing about the woman I fought.

I made that pooping jerkface cry like a baby!

I drifted off to a very satisfied sleep.

***

A nice long nap and the malporixlorh extract worked like a charm. The creator didn’t stop by for a chat. I guess he didn’t want the dressing down I had planned for him but I had some trippy dreams.

I’m going to be pondering what I saw for quite some time.

The doctors and the rest of the staff were happy to see that I was back to normal and the scans they sent were reviewed by a Plath physician and aside from an obvious thrashing everything was normal.

They were astonished by my recovery. Heck. I was feeling pretty pooping good! It was probably a combination of the extract (which is some pooping amazing stuff) and extract of pure unadulterated triumph.

There is a common saying here among us xenos, “It’s like trying to beat a human in a fist-fight.” We use it to describe something that is impossible.

Well guess pooping what? HA!

The warden even showed up to check on me.

“I’m glad to see you are ok, Sheloran,” he said looking quite relieved.

“Yeah, we Plath aren’t much but we are tough.”

“We weren’t familiar with the quirks of your species. I’ve made sure that this incident has been entered into our records so if another Plath winds up here, or any other jail for that matter, your ‘latching reflex’ will be included in their intake notes.”

“I appreciate that but I’m the only Plath in the Republic and I really don’t intend coming here again.”

He laughed at that.

“Let’s hope not. I have enough repeat customers as it is. Oh, just to let you know Donna, the woman you got into a fight with, is going to make a full recovery. She’s going to be hating life for quite a long time but will suffer nothing that will add any serious complications to your case.”

“She attacked me. It was self defense!”

“Oh I don’t doubt it for a minute,” the warden replied. “She has quite the record and no lack of disciplinary incidents while behind bars. We aren’t going to be filing any charges against you on this one. Privately, I’m tickled to death,” he laughed. “She was in dire need of an ass-kicking.”

Well that was pooping unprofessional! Then again this is Terra…

“While we aren’t going to be pressing any charges or entering this into your record here we are going to have to put you in solitary confinement for the remainder of your stay. It’s standard practice after something like this. It’s for your protection.”

“Wait. That is an option?”

“Um, yes?” the warden said acting surprised. “Any prisoner who feels threatened can request protective custody. You just approach a guard and ask for it. Might have made things a lot less complicated,” he laughed.

Pooping what!?!? I could have just asked for safety?!? Oh I was so mad at the universe right then. Creator, I swear if I ever get to meet you I’m pooping biting you right on the tit. (That seems to work.)

I managed a weak little laugh in response. I wasn’t laughing on the inside. This wasn’t funny. I could have just… Scum! Pooping Scum!

“Oh just to let you know your little misadventure has caused quite the impact on the cell block,” the warded laughed. “Everyone is talking about how it took five stuns to bring you down. They all think you are some sort of fucking demon!”

Of course they did. Of course. Of pooping course. I wasn’t even that surprised anymore.

“Could you please let them know that it only took one?”

“And ruin the legend? Never!” he laughed.

I didn’t laugh that time. I just looked at him and blew a wet flutter through my gill slits. It just made him laugh harder.

“They wouldn’t believe me anyway. Trust me. They have collectively decided that the five stun legend is true and there isn’t a goddamn thing anyone can do about it. Well it was really nice meeting you and I hope everything works out alright. More importantly I hope everything works out so that you don’t have to come back here where we have to deal with you,” he laughed.

He waved and then walked away.

***

After spending awhile in the clinic I got locked into a little room all by myself.

It was awesome. I was safe! I wasn’t around scary people anymore! It was wonderful… for a few hours anyway then it got boring as poop. I started to really wish I could go back to my cell and hang out with my new friends. They were nice.

Time took forever in there. Poop! It was so flushing boring!

The food was still ok. They even put an apple on my tray every meal! I wonder if that’s because I told my friends that I loved apples. (I absolutely adore apples!)

Hey! Here’s a thought. I wonder if I can start smuggling apples! I bet other Plath would love them too! Hmm… I wonder…

Oh! I know! Seeds! I could start sending appleseeds! HA! That would drive the homeworld absolutely nuts! Foreign plants are an abomination! (not to mention potentially invasive)

Why not add eco-terrorism to the list of my achievements? It would round out the list nicely! They want to make me a supervillain? Poop. We can do that, no flushing problem.

Oh poop! What the scum is wrong with me? Get a pooping hold of yourself, Sheloran!

***

Time eventually passed and Monday rolled around. I tried to make myself as presentable as possible but it’s kind of hard when all you have is a pink tunic and trousers (not even a pooping dress!). My little tail pushed the butt part of the trousers out to a point in the back and it looked flushing stupid.

I had no bow, no glitter, nothing. I felt practically naked and probably looked awful. Thank poop there wasn’t a mirror in there with me! I just didn’t want to know.

I poked my face and winced. Ow. I bet I had bruises all over. That’s just pooping great, I thought to myself. I’m going to show up in court trying to prove that I’m not violent with a face full of bruises from a jailhouse brawl! Oh flush me right down the pipes! Seriously! Did the universe just decide one day, “Hey, let’s just lob poop at this Sheloran girl. I bet that would be a pooping blast!”?

I just wanted to work in a bank and play a few games! That’s pooping all! Maybe one day move to a city and go to work in a bigger bank and, if the stars perfectly aligned, perhaps one magical day find a boyfriend. That was it. That was pooping it! Now flushing look at me! I was in a solitary jail cell, in a Terran jail, because I gnashed up a flushing human and getting ready to go to court to try to escape getting locked up for flushing life because my whole flushing homeworld thinks that I’m the embodiment of the pooping Befouler.

On the bright side, If I managed to get out of this stubbly little tail intact I was going to be making a poopload of credits! I could almost flushing taste them!

I passed the time thinking about various media sources and what would sell. I also started pondering actual physical items. I realized that a whole lot of things would be attractive to the “discriminating customer” as Hollister liked to put it.

I thought about Craxina. It would have been really nice to have been able to hang out with her more. Then it hit me! Vibrators! Yes! We could bury the Plath homeworld in sex toys! Oh that would be pooping hilarious! I realized that technically sex toys aren’t illegal there. There was never a reason to make that law. I giggled as I realized that not only would it be a pooping blast it would be perfectly legal… and they would sell! As a plus “sexual deviant” was also not already on my list of ‘crimes’. Hey! It was another box to check off!

My descent into depravity (and possibly insanity, I don’t pooping know) ended when the cell door opened and it was time. As I was walked through the jail I could see everyone stop and look at me and I could see them looking at each other, pointing, mouthing my name, and showing each other five digits. Poop. Even the criminals thought I was a pooping menace!

I really hoped that my lawyer was as good as Hollister thought he was. I was starting to think I was really going to need him.

***

I met Baxlon at the courthouse.

“Looks like you’ve had an interesting couple of days,” he laughed (at least I think that was laughing).

“I won,” I replied. “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

“I reviewed the incident and it’s even better. It’s a non-thing. It shouldn’t come up and if it does I will fucking ram it straight up their ass and light the end of it on fire.”

That made me feel better even if he had a really dirty mouth. I guess now that I’m a criminal I should get used to potty mouths, huh?

“Ol’ Judge Dredd is in rare form today! I just watched him just rip the shit out of this poor little hooker.”

“Really?”

“Hoo boy! It was this little furry thing with eight legs that came in on a basic streetwalking charge. He was fucking vicious!”

“What did he do to Craxina?” I asked really concerned.

“Know her?”

“Met her in jail. She’s nice.”

“Well that nice girl just had a bad day,” Baxlon laughed (I’m pretty sure that’s laughing now) “She just waltzed in expecting the standard little bullshit fine and a pat on the butt and Judge Dredd just started fucking laying into her. He forced her to look at crime scene photos of dead street prostitutes while he screamed details from the medical examiner’s reports at the top of his lungs until she broke down. Then he told her that if she ever wound up in jail again he would get the file and if it was this ‘stupid fucking bullshit’ he was going to add every single charge he could think of and make fucking sure that she would be going to trial, a trial over which he would preside.”

“Oh scum!”

“He tore her up so bad she couldn’t leave. She just sat their squealing. The bailiffs had to damn near carry her out the door and dump her in the hall.”

“That poor girl!”

“Yeah. Now I’ve seen some shit and those photos… fuck!” Baxlon said in a cloud of bubbles, “The cases that he picked for his little ‘presentation’ were some really messed up shit. He does have a very real point though. He did also set up an appointment with a shop steward for the sex workers union and ordered her to attend so she could learn safer options, which is a good thing.”

“Um, I guess...”

“And that, in a nutshell, is Judge Dredd. I really hope the voices in his head are on our side today like they were for that prostitute.”

“He was on her side?!?”

“Absolutely! He obviously took quite a shine to her. When he is like this and he doesn’t like someone… Well let’s just hope that it’s cute little xeno day today.”

“Oooohhhh poooop.”

“Don’t worry. Remember, ‘he is the law’ and the law is on our side this time. Just in case, I got my shit wired tight on this one. If we have to fight him I can do it. I’ve been on his bad side before under much worse circumstances and my client came out just fine. No matter what happens, just be calm and let me do the talking. He might be raging like a madman but keep it together, ok?”

That was flushing easy for him to say!

“Ok,” I replied trying my best to sound brave.

“Hollister and the gang send their love by the way,” Baxlon said blowing a few bubbles, “They really wanted to be here. I had to threaten them with dire consequences to keep them away.”

“Why?” I asked. I really wanted to see some friendly faces.

“Fucking think about it,” he said, “We are trying to make you look innocent. We don’t need a pack of flea-bitten space dogs cheering you on!”

“You have a point,” I said with a laugh. I was surprised. I was able to laugh.

“Just sit tight and we will be up soon.”

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